Posted by Martin:
The X-File:I want to Believe
Roger Ebert wrote in his review of The X-Files: I want to believe that you don't have to be familiar with the show to understand what it is going. In a way that may be true, because those that do know the show are going to be completely lost as to why this sloppy mess would be called The X-Files.
According to Ain't it Cool News director Chris Carter had to finish the script before the writer's strike in order to get it into production. And man does it show. This is a really, really early rough draft of a script they shot. As in no time for spell check or rereadings. But it also begs the question why not just scrap the thing until it is ready? Because this ain't ready.
Take this exchange for example between Agent Drummy, yes that is what they named him, and Scully:
Scully (on phone): Where is Mulder?!
Drummy: Is this Scully?
Drummy: Where is Mulder, Agent Scully?
Scully: I don't know. That's why I called you!
Seriously, this conversation occurs on the screen. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.
Scully is completely, completely STUPID in this movie. The strong confident character of the series is not to be found here. She is side tracked by two stupid side stories. One, the psychic who his helping the FBI is a convicted pedophile priest. She is so angry at him for his sins, she can't keep it professional and work with him. Which made me think, why make him a pedophile priest? Oh yeah Scully is Catholic, and therefore this would create "tension." Stupid.
Second, she is now a doctor at...wait for it...a CATHOLIC HOSPITAL ! (That's how the script writes it, in great big capital letters so you will understand the importance.) And she has a child patient with some rare brain disease, that is going to die. Expect he will probably live with some new RADICAL (that's how the script writes the word) treatment that is comes from...wait for it...STEM CELLS!!! (Again, that is how the script writes the words.) Therefore Catholic Hospital verses Stem Cells equals TENSION! (Again, oh never mind...)
It is this STEM CELL side plot that gives me my favorite shot of the whole movie. Scully apparently spends hours on Google doing STEM CELL RESEARCH printing dozens upon dozens of articles. At which point she gathers all of these printed articles and puts them into a folder, where the camera lingers as she writes in ink on the front of the folder "STEM CELL RESEARCH." Oh! This is stem cell research. Thanks for telling me. The previous three minutes of screen time spent on Google I wasn't exactly sure, but now I am sure that she was doing STEM CELL RESEARCH.
Which made me realize, hasn't Scully heard of Google Notebook, or bookmarks for that matter?
Molder seems to sleep through the movie. But unlike Scully, Molder is at least Molder. Just a sleepy version of his better self.
But for some reason this former fugitive wanted by the FBI goes into hiding in Scully's spare bedroom and grows a beard. Apparently the FBI is stupid too, or maybe just really lazy.
The strength of original X-Files was fighting a government conspiracy of an alien attack. That was when X-Files was at it's creepy best. This is one of the monster week episodes, and unfortunately not even a good one.
Spoilers below, but you don't want to see this movie so it doesn't matter...
The monster of the week for this a Russian doctor, (it is nice to make the Russians the bad guys again, it was a simpler time...) who does some RADICAL experiments on dogs. As in replacing heads and putting them onto new bodies and still having them live. But this time he is trying them on humans. Why is he doing this? Well we actually don't understand why until the last five minutes of the movie. Which I think was when Chris Carter finally figured it out himself.
The Frankenstein scene brings us the cliche of cutting edge medical experiments being done in the most unsanitary and dilapidated building found in the area. The eye replacement scene in Minority Report comes to mind. See that movie instead, it's better movie. (This cliche can also be found in the original Batman when the doctor was working on the Joker.)
But some Russian's homosexual husband has lung cancer that requires this Russian to go around stealing body parts of different people. But why not just steal one body and be done with it. And if you're gay wouldn't you want your husbands new body to be a male body? Why put it on a female body? SO MANY ISSUES THERE!
My wife said it best, "they should have stopped with the last one."
Spend your hard earned cash on MUCH better movies this summer such as: